taking it as it comes.

Yes, No, Maybe, i love you. Those three words are said to much, i dont think ive really understood there meaning until right now. They say that these years of life, mean the most in the way of our future, and that what happens now, effects our lifes forever. but i cant seem to do what it means. Ive tryed, and failed, time and time again. Im trying to learn from my mistakes, im trying to forget whats happend in the past and live for whats happening right now, and in some ways i am. Im sick of pretending, like everythings okay when its not, that im super happy when i feel like crawling up my own ass as dying. But recently, im starting to take each step as it comes, and its working.
I went to a memorial last week, i didnt no the guy all that well, but being there, and hearing what people were saying made me realise lifes to short for these gay arse dramas, for the fighting between your friends, between the people who bitch about you behind your back and pretend they didnt to your face, its all pathetic shit. i used to live my life by it everysingle day, every single hour, every single minute, every single second. i cared what others thought about me too much. i think thats why ive lived the way i have. but what i am now i wouldnt change for anything. i have awesome friends, im over the bestfriend shit. cuz i have heaps, i cant actually name just one person who i can laugh with, care about, and trust with my life.
The one problem ive always had, and have alot more of right now, is guys.
One guy in particular, and i dont know how to explain it.
Its like nothing else matters anymore, like he's my own personal brand of heroine.
His hugs, the way he walks, the things he says when its just me and him together, everything.
I think, he may just be the one, y'know, that guy. and i hate it. he's fucked me around more then anything else ever has. but still, everytime i see his face, i get butterflies,my stomach cringes up, and i seem to fall in love with him all over again. when people mention his name, it actually hurts; realising what i dont have, everyone thinks hes such a waste of space and that i shouldnt even waste my breath on him, but the thing is i cant stop thinking about him anymore.
I dont know how, and i dont know why, its just happened. im in love. when i completly shouldnt be.