Sunday, September 26, 2010
frogs and lillypads.
i seem to move from one person to the next. trying to find this thing called loved. i like feeling needed and wanted by someone else. everyday i try not to think about you, and maybe this is why i'm doing this. travelling from one person to the next. i'm trying to find a way of forgetting you. of getting you out of my mind. of moving on and letting go. and it works, until one of us leaves. this time though, i'd found someone who was better then you. the more i wanted him the less i needed you. and i was beginng to feel fine. i didn't have the constant memory of 'us' in the back of my head. the way he held my hand, how he'd cuddle me just to show he cared and play with my hair just because it was soft. my head fits perfectly into the crest of his shoulder and he let me fall alseep on him. we spent so many hours endless hours together and not once did we get bored. the gap in my heart was finally filled. until again, he leaves. he has issues with how he feels. he says he feels that he's going to use me for sexual things, so he leaves before i got hurt again. thing is..you hurt me more then alex ever did. or maybe it was the 2 of you together. with the 'i never loved you' and the 'i must leave, before i hurt you' it's like a recipe for disaster. for breaking my heart. perhaps i've been cursed. perhaps this is just what it's going to be like for me. maybe it's me. maybe i am someone who can never be loved. or liked. maybe i need to change. before i can ever be loved again. i want to stop feeling. stop believing. i want to move on with my life with someone who is going to care. maybe i want to much and give to little. all i know for sure is that last night i've never felt so heart broken, so unhappy and willing and ready to die.